My “Sophie’s Choice”

During January of 2002, I went into an online chat room for the first time ever and developed a friendship with a woman from Israel. Coincidentally she was soon to arrive in the USA to study at a University in Texas. I invited her to stop in California, en route, so we could meet and soon I realized that this was the person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

Our relationship flourished while Dor was studying in Texas and soon she transferred to a college near my home in Marin County; and so we moved in together and married as soon as it was legal for us to do so. At the time, my daughter, HC, from my previous relationship was five years of age. Dor and HC developed a close relationship and they could not have loved each other more.

We were able to change Dor’s student Visa to a very limited R1 Visa. Notwithstanding the fact that California recognized our domestic partnership and subsequent marriage, I, the US citizen, could not sponsor Dor in the same way as a different gender couple could.

Dorit taught Jewish religious studies, Hebrew and Bible at a local congregation, and was qualified for the Religious worker’s Visa. We were luckier than many others in the same-sex bi-national community because we had found a way, albeit expensive and fraught with difficulties.

With Dor, the last in her family of Holocaust survivors, and biological clock ticking, we decided to extend our family and to inseminate so that Dor would carry a baby for us. The birth of Refael was one of the most exhilarating moments in our lives, with HC, the big sister ecstatic at the arrival of her new baby sister.

Our lives continued; and we were a tight family, notwithstanding our constant fear that we would have to part ways if Dor’s Visa did not lead to her intended immigration within the time constraints of the R1 termination date. We went through this process a few times over a four year period and it drained us, financially and emotionally.

During this time, Dor nursed me through breast cancer – imagine having to leave my medical care, my home, my extended family and one of my daughters or choosing to separate from my beloved because of my inability to sponsor her to remain in the US.

When the R1 sunset date was upon us; and again we advocated crazily for the renewal by Congress of the R1 Visa process. With mere days and then hours to the termination of the very law we had relied on for so long, and Dor’s process hanging severely in the balance, Congress did extend the Visa, setting yet another sunset date for March 06, 2009.

Dor’s lawyer informed us that our chances of success were remote as the timing was still not in our favor, as well as other aspects of the statute and rules that were so onerous and arbitrary on the part of DHS. We were given low odds and another huge legal bill and a decision to make – should we continue on this Visa path? The choices were dim; in fact there were no feasible choices. I could not face the Sophie’s choice that had been haunting me for so many years.

How could I leave my then 11 year old (due to shared custody agreement with my ex) and go with Dor and the baby to Israel? How could I say goodbye to the love of my life-my spouse, and my then three year old Refael. What if I got really sick again, how could I split the sisters?

I went to see my member of Congress and there was nothing that could be done for our situation. As an American citizen and with both children American citizens there was no law to prevent the high probability of Dor having to leave the USA. I had also determined that I would never prevent Dor from taking our baby with her; the attachment and bond between them would be forcibly broken and my baby would suffer irreparable harm. There were no choices, only extreme denial.

So we paid and prayed… and then before the final impending sunset date, DHS showed up at Dor’s work, the Congregation, with three official investigators to check that her basis for her Visa to immigrate was legitimate; and of course it was. They approved her application and we were able to submit the finalizing petition.

With 7 days to the final sunset of the R1 process, we received a letter stating that the R1 Visa Law was going to sunset and this time there would be no renewal by Congress. This would not give enough time to process the final piece of Dor’s approved application. Again, I spun into denial determined to fight and not willing to think of my ‘Sophie’s choice.’ There was no plan B.

It was then that I went to Senator Feinstein for help and with mere hours to the sunset of the law, Dor’s file was given a priority position and viewed just before the 11th hour. Dor was approved and received her green card about two weeks later. This four year hell cost us a great deal, emotionally stressful and financially debilitating.

I calculated how much more it had cost us compared to that of a straight couple who could simply petition because of their recognized marriage. I took into account legal fees, non-resident student fees, work limitation losses and Visa fees and renewals: A whopping total of $71,600 for us (over a six year period) compared to $1,500 for a straight couple over a six month period.

It was the spread of our good news that led to my introduction to Shirley Tan and Jay Mercado and my advocacy for them and other bi-nationals. This is a cause that is barely known to most of America and in fact, when we mentioned our plight to gay and straight people alike, many were clueless to this reprehensible aspect of our lack of Federal rights.

I hope that Give a Damn will draw attention to us and the 100,000 more in this invidious situation. Please come out in support of UAFA – The Uniting American Families Act. We should not have to make such choices in the short time we have in this life…

Melanie