The Scary, Lonely Life

My names Brianne, I’m 17 years old and four years ago, I realized I was a lesbian. It started when my friend Toby, whom at the time, I didn’t know was transgender, started showing affection towards me. She got into some trouble and had to move away. Later, I was informed that he was really a she. At first, I was beyond pissed, but then I realized that a person is a person. I then began exploring my sexual orientation and long story short, I turned out to be a full blown lesbian.

I knew I’d have a problem with this because my dad, a high power Christian/Methodist, was HIGHLY against anything that went against the Bible. And, my mom wasn’t really in the picture but she’s highly against it as well. Dad wasn’t suppose to find out until I turned 17. He wouldn’t be able to control me then.

I chose to tell my mom when I was 15. We went tanning and it took me about 5 minutes to finally get my words out. She responded with: “Its just a phase but either way it is completely disgusting!” Since then, the only time I’ve talked to her about being gay is when I told her my dad found out. It kills me that my mom is not there to support me, but its even worse to know Dad will never be happy for me.

As I said, Dad wasn’t suppose to find until I turned 18, but one day while I was at practice, he went through my computer and found emails I had with another friend about being gay. He didn’t speak to me for three weeks. When he finally did, it was 3AM and he was drunk as Hell. It went how I thought it would, but I was still hurt. All I want is for him to love me for who I am. Not just love me because I’m his child. So, he’d never accept me. I already knew that.

He said if I do marry a woman, he would attend the wedding, but he would NOT be happy for me. He couldn’t even say that I’m a lesbian and when he did, he only said it cuz’ I kept bugging him about saying it. He doesn’t believe me. He thinks someone turned me. He said I’m not allowed to have friends over anymore because he wouldn’t know the difference between a friend and a girlfriend.

He compared me to a murderer, drug addict, thief, cheater, etc. Every time I’d open my mouth, he’d just shut me up with stuff the Bible says. He just…doesn’t understand that he’s the one person that I needed support from. I told him, I don’t care if the whole world hates me, as long as I had him behind me, I’d be fine. He kept asking why and I said because he’s always been there for me and because he’s my dad. He just doesn’t get it. It kills me that my one and only supporter through my life can’t support me as I go through the hardest thing in my life.

I feel as if I’m alone in this journey of life as a lesbian. Through my coming out experiences, all that I’ve learned is that I’m going to have to get through it even when no ones there to help keep me up.

Any parents that are reading this, believe it or not, if your kids come out to you, the most important thing they need is your acceptance. I have contemplated suicide many times simply because my parents aren’t okay with who I am. Luckily, I was blessed with friends that are always there when I really need them. Be there for your children, no matter what. Its THEIR life to make, they just need support from you. Isn’t that your job as a parent? To support them in their lives. Don’t let your children go through this life alone because this is the scariest thing that’s ever happened in my life, but I’m living through it.