Semi-Hidden Bisexual

My name is Elizabeth, and I am a 15 year old bisexual girl. I’ve known since I was little, but I felt awkward, weird and wrong. There were also times I was confused. I didn’t know what bisexual was at that point, but I still wondered about my sexuality. I would ask myself if I was gay, and respond ‘no, I’m attracted to guys.’ I’d also ask if I was straight, and say ‘well I think so, but I like girls too…’ Ultimately I’d wind up even more confused. So I’d just bury the thoughts and feelings and try to forget about it. That would work for a while, but not long. It was even worse growing up in a Roman Catholic family and going to a private Roman Catholic school, where not only are homo- and bisexuality frowned upon, but any kind of nonconformity is looked at as wrong.

Problems at home made it all too much to bear. We were a family of 4 living off of one income with a disabled father and near-constant fighting between my parents and older brother. Seeing as my brother “caused all the problems” I was looked at as the “good child” and ignored. I had no one to talk to about my problems and internal struggles. I sat in my room with everything bottled up and read books.

In junior high, my brother went away to college, but I was still looked over. My dad’s physical condition grew worse and my parents fought more. As I went through puberty, I became even more aware of my different sexuality, but still felt wrong. That’s when all the bottled up stresses boiled over, and I started self-harming. I would cut, burn myself, snap rubber bands, and overuse painkillers. I dealt with depression, anxiety, and other mental issues, (I diagnosed myself, so no medication) and still do. More than once I contemplated suicide, and had a couple close calls.

The summer after 8th grade, I came out as bisexual to my best friend. She was more than supportive. I also told her about the self-harm, and she confided that she had as well.

Gradually, I told more and more people about my bisexuality, but not my family. I am now finishing 9th grade, have nearly quit self-harming, and am openly bi at school and to my friends. I havn’t told my parent, for fear of their disapproval (they’ve been pretty open about their feelings of homosexuality in the past, and I’m not sure how they’d handle it). I have told one member of my family though, my cousin Emily, and she’s been supportive.

Maybe I’ll come out to my parents as I get older, maybe not. I’m not sure. I want to, but I don’t know if it’s the right time. For now, I’m just taking it one step at a time and trying to deal with my problems in healthier ways.