While any human being cannot walk down the street unafraid of harm simply because of who they love, I cannot walk down the street unafraid.

While any person cannot share who they are with other people unafraid of discrimination and persecution, I cannot share who I am unafraid.

While any person is denied basic civil rights because of who they love, my civil rights are meaningless.

As Ms. Lorde said, my silence will not protect me. Refusing to share my story and my voice and give my support to my friends and my community because I am afraid of judgment and prejudice will not keep me safe. While any of us are unsafe, all of us are unsafe.

My name is Catie. I am bisexual. I am an ally to people of all sexual orientations and people of all genders. I will not be silent. I will speak until we are all free.

Because you’re insulting so many people without a single thought
Even without trying, you simply had bought
Into the idea that you weren’t, but you’ve been caught
In a web of discrimination, so saying you’re just playing is all for naught

There are people getting hurt without even a say
Because others hurt them and don’t want them to stay
Violence against them, they don’t ever play
All because they’re gay and others don’t think it’s okay

Think about the ones who’ve been hurt and died
Of the families who’ve screamed and cried
Never told a soul, “I’m okay,” they lied
Gave up on life because there was no place to hide

Be aware of what you’re saying before it’s too late
You might be justifying someone’s hidden hate
Saying it’s alright to deny their rights like Proposition 8
All because of who they love and who they choose to be their mate

I was in my bedroom getting ready for this big afternoon with the family. My brother came into my room and wanted to talk to me and so I said “Ok!” I was confused as to why he wanted to talk to me and then he said “I’m not comfortable with you being around Sebastien. I don’t want you to be around him anymore.” I looked at my brother and I just walked away in disbelief, obviously insulted and in shock of what he was saying. Then I yelled, “your not going to accuse me of something that I didn’t do” and he said, “I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m just not comfortable with you being around him.”

I looked at him and said, “why is that?” My mother was cooking food and was wondering what was going on. My sis-in-law was minding her own business because she knew how angry my brother can become. Then this explosion of hatred of me being gay came from my brother (I guess he was holding on to his feelings for way too long until he finally revealed his feelings towards me, I mean he knew I was gay for 2 yrs now). He was insulting and humiliating me in front of my family and my poor mother was trying to be the peace keeper in this situation. My brother yelled at her, “this is none of your business” with his hands up as if he was going to slap her in her face.

I pulled my mom towards me and I screamed at my brother “DON’T YOU TALK TO MOM LIKE THAT.” He looked at me and then said “What are you going to do,” while he pushed me with a powerful force and I almost hit my head on the kitchen counter top. I walked away to my bedroom so my brother could calm down a bit because he was and still is bigger then me. I mean he’s in the military. He knows things that scared me. He always said to me “I’m trained to Kill.” Those words haunted me on that day because I wasn’t sure what he would do to me if things got out of hand.

Then I could hear him mumbling things about me, so I came out of my room and I exploded with anger. “Yes, I’m a f**got, and will always be.” Then he got up into my face and he was yelling like those military guys do. I rolled my eyes because he was really obnoxious and he was saying that he wanted to hit me in the face. He said that I was a c****ker and then punched me in the face and my glasses flew on the ground… like he wanted to do. I was in shock… it had happen so quickly.

I didn’t even remember the pain from the incident, the only thing I do remember is that my mom was freaking out at him and my sis-in-law too. I just had to leave so, I got dressed and left the house to go see my partner. He was at his parents’ for Christmas and I’ve never been at my home since.. to this day, my parents try to force me to forgive him, but I’m not capable of doing so and I am not ready to forgive him… I mean he accused me of something that I’m not, punched me and destroy the family because his own problems… I guess time will tell.

All I can say is I DO GIVE A DAMN. OUT LOUD AND PROUD TO BE GAY!!!

Now, openly gay and content with who I am I’ve seen the harsh reality and immense joy of being open with your sexuality. I’ve personally had to deal with the loss of many friends who didn’t agree with my life choice and I’ve been ridiculed beyond which no one should ever have to put up with. I’ve learned so much about who I am and who I DON’T have to be and I’ve overjoyed to know that no matter what I choose in life my friends, my family and anyone who has ever had the pleasure of knowing me will be right there by my side. My personal accomplishments with LGBT rights are few and far between, so small in fact that they’ve barely made a dent in the issue at hand in everyday life. However, I’ve bettered my life in High School by coming out as a homosexual, I’ve bettered the lives of others who have chosen to confide within me and I’ve bettered the lives of everyone who I’ve ever met by allowing them to say they’ve met a proud gay man who isn’t afraid to take on the world.

My story here is just a quick snippet of what I’ve experienced and dealt with in my life span. My real mission by even bothering to share my story is to simply state that no one should be stereotyped, no one should be ridiculed, harassed, made fun of, bullied, or slandered no matter what. It pains me to know that people are killing themselves or being killed because of something they cannot exactly control. One may choose the life to live as an openly homosexual or transgendered individual but they cannot control who or what they are attracted to. Anyone who has bothered to read this, I thank you fullheartedly and would simply ask that you go the distance and make the effort the support what is right and what is just. Even the smallest of victories can aid in the worldwide cause and I thank you for ever being a friend to the LGBT community. You are a hero in my eyes no matter what.

As I parked I saw the man pull up behind me in his car, pull me out of mine and throw me against my vehicle. He pressed himself against me telling me that, “lesbians are women that have not gotten F**K** right and he will fix me right.” As I hear him say this, his hands are roaming everywhere and tears fall down my cheeks. I felt this is going to be bad, and I close my eyes to everything around me.

I feel a tug on my pants in the crowded parking lot and a voice that says “you’re going to love this!” As I’m waiting to feel something, I feel the man pulled off me and then onto the ground. A male onlooker saw what was happening, handed his child off to his wife and came to my rescue. The guy ended up getting a broken nose and loosing 2 teeth. When I looked up there were so many people watching and I kept thinking to myself “NO ONE HELPED.”

I feel that we are taught not to interfere in other people’s lives, if you see a woman abuse her child in a store, most would not help. If you see a man abuse a woman in a parking lot, you don’t want to get involved. If you see a woman screaming at her husband and being violent, the thought is to “let them handle it on their own!’

The problem is not getting involved, be someone’s friend, even if you do not know them, act in a humanistic way showing that there are people out there instead of the self absorbed human beings most have become.

If you don’t want a confrontation, I know the feeling; I went to my local abuse shelter and grabbed a handful of cards. Just last week I saw a HUGE man threaten his wife in a store, tell her you just wait and when they got outside he almost hit her with the car. I handed her one, just a simple card and said “here, I care.” I have never ever in my life seen that much relief in one person.

I was assaulted in public daylight in a crowded LA shopping mart, one man made a difference to me. Be there for someone else.

However, I was so absentminded in this ecstatic moment that I failed to pay attention to my surroundings. I let my guard down for the briefest of moments and this allowed two assailants to brutalize me. I blurred many times between the points of consciousness and comatose from the various punts to my head, the multitude of shuddering cracks that accompanies broken ribs, and the thunderous pop that indicates a joint dislocation.

They realized that my body had gone limp and there was no more “sport in beating on a quiet faggot.” I thought they would leave me to die on the sidewalk they had began their attack on… I was wrong. One chuckled and said “I know what’ll make his day.” They lowered my pants and began to take turns violating me. I screamed. I tried to kick, claw, squirm, bite, and punch. But my body had given out on me. I cried as they laughed.

When they had finished and left, I convulsed feeling the pain in summoning up tears and coughing up pools of metallic tasting blood. When I finally had enough strength to stand without falling I made my way to the police station located on campus. Not my dorm. I wanted the police to catch them. I walked on my own two feet for what seemed like an eternity. Keeping their bodily fluids inside me. Feeling disgusted, like garbage. The police had only one response to my accusations: more laughter.

It took me a week before I told my boyfriend about the attack. He cried… making me cry. Worst of all, in his grief, he apologized for not protecting me… making me cry again. I’m not one of those strong/dignified/amazing people. I can’t simply wake up, forget, and put a smile on my face. I still take two showers every single day to wash their drunken, hate infected aroma off my body.

However thanks to my friends, family, and the most wonderful man in my life I have learned not to let the mongrels of the world win. My advice is not only to the gay community but also to the straight communities. You have it in your power to help us… young men and women who have experienced what I have. I beg you, GIVE A DAMN! Help all those that remain silent, those that do not write their stories. They can hear the laughter… and if they can hear I know you can.

Going to high school I was harassed every day. Calls down the hall – FAGGOT, SISSY, C**K SUCKER. I would just hold it in and do nothing, say nothing. One day a guy started calling me names again and tried to start a fight with me. Finally, enough was enough and I fought back. He blackened my eye and bruised my cheek. I didn’t know what happened until I was in my car leaving school grounds. My fist was bloody and my face hurt. I got so mad in rage that I blacked out during the fight. I apparently broke his arm, cheek, and 4 ribs. I’m not proud of this at all.

Upon arrival to school the next morning I was pulled into the office and was suspended for a week. Turns out the guy that started the fight didn’t even get into any trouble at all. Gotta love the south.

Instead of leaving, one of them came up behind me and pushed me. I fell, tumbling down sixteen steps, my books flying out of my hands, hitting me in the head, pencils being broken in my chest, snapping in two. I couldn’t believe it. I laid there for two and a half minutes, unable to breath, blood trickling down the side of my head from where my eyebrow split in two. The students received a weeks worth of detention a piece, but other than that, nothing.

The next year I went on to high school, hoping that I could get away from the people who would push me down and tell me I’m not good enough. I was walking home, my backpack at school, just walking, when I heard the familiar voices of the kids that had pushed me down the stairs. I thought, dear god, why would you put someone through this. I picked up my pace, without looking back, hoping that they would leave me alone, but they didn’t.

I hadn’t realized they were on bicycles, and I began to run, trying to get away. They knocked me down, and two of them held me there as the other one held a knife to my throat. He punched, and called me a faggot, and told me that I should burn in hell, that I didn’t deserve love. I felt blood start to trickle down my neck, and I thought that I was going to be dead, but there was something in their eyes, I knew they would kill me, but they pulled me up, and took me to a back alley, where they ripped my pants off, and began to rape me, saying that this is what I deserved for being a faggot.

You have no idea how hard it is to be gay until you are raped and beaten. I survived my trials, but I shouldn’t have had to go through them. IT is because of the ignorance of our society, and the forced beliefs on our children that things like this are happening. NO child should have to think, God, why would you put someone through this.

I was thinking this morning about what I would blog about today, and I remembered a pretty darn funny story to share with you. However, in order for that story to make sense, I would need to share a very unfunny, unpleasant event with you. It is something that I have not shared with many people outside my family and circle of friends in Lexington, but it is has become such a turning point in my life, I decided that I should just share it. Hopefully by doing so, some people will become more aware of the hate and issues that gay and lesbian people face each day.

On February 17, 2008, I was gay-bashed in downtown Lexington. We are talking about losing consciousness, 911, ambulance, hospital, the works.

Until the beating, the evening had been great. Andy and I, along with our friends Glenn and Doug, had been to dinner at A La Lucie, a great bistro in downtown Lexington. Lexington had just recently been named as one of the top 10 cities in the nation for GLBT people to live, and we were completely happy and proud to be a part of that. We all four had a very trying work week, one in which Glenn had actually totaled my car (which is actually another blog story!), and we were relaxing in an open atmosphere full of people who did not judge us at all. The memory of that night is so vivid I still remember that I had a delicious fish stew for my entree.

After dinner, we all four went to the Lexington Opera House for a production of Evita. The show was fantastic and after it ended, none of us wanted the evening to end. There was a charity event for AVOL, Aids Volunteers of Lexington, at a local gay bar that was a few blocks from the Opera House. We decided that we would stop by and see how it was going.

The event was a great success and the bar was packed with all types of people, both straight and gay, who had come out to support the charity. We ended up chatting with old friends and making new ones. We stayed until quite late, and because Andy and I had both had cocktails at the bar, we decided to take a taxi cab home. I told Andy that I would walk to the car and grab our garage door opener and anything valuable in the car that we were leaving parked on the street downtown.

As I walked out of the bar, I turned the corner into an empty lot which served as the bar’s parking lot. Our car was parked on the street at the far end of the empty lot. As soon as I had taken a few steps out of the lighted sidewalk and onto the darkened lot, two guys stopped me. They seemed to have come out of nowhere. One of the men, who was wearing an orange hoodie, said, “Hey, Faggot.” Then the hits came. It all happened in just a matter of seconds, too fast for me to react, to fight back. The next thing I remember, I was lying flat on the ground with Andy standing over me frantically trying to wake me up as he called 911 and screamed for help.

Next came the bystanders staring, the paramedics, the ambulance ride, the doctors, the nurses, the dentists, the x-rays, and the cat scans. I think I was in shock as I tried to talk to the policemen in the hospital emergency room. I am so thankful for Glenn, Doug, Andy, and my friend Donna who were all there with me that night/morning.

The end result physically was that I had a lot of bruises, a black eye, a couple of fractures in my jaw, and the loss of my two front teeth. The end result emotionally ran much deeper than any fracture or bone loss. The end result financially was literally tens of thousands of dollars for hospital, doctor, tests, dental implants, therapy.

The men who bashed me were never found by the police. I really only saw the first man, and he had his orange hood over his head, so I was not much help to the police. The newspaper ran an article about it, WKYT-TV aired a story on the news. No one mentioned my name in either, and at the time, I was happy about that. I was petrified that people would somehow look at me as if I had done this to myself, that I somehow deserved what happened to me. I did make the mistake of reading an online article about it, and then reading the viewer comments that were posted after the story. Many comments said exactly what I feared people would say, that God was punishing me, that I got what I deserved, etc.

Two and half years later, things are much different for me. I had been out of the closet for years before I was bashed, but after that event in my life I became more determined to live my life as my true self. I also became more involved in hate-crime and bullying issues. I used to agree with people who say that all crimes are hate crimes, but now I know different. The only reason I was beaten was because I had come outside of a gay bar. I had a wallet in my pocket that had hundreds of dollars in it and my car keys in my hand. Nothing was taken. The only thing these men wanted was to hurt me because of who I am. THAT is a hate crime, and it IS different.

It took a lot of time and work to dig myself out of the place that I went after that night, but I did it with the help of Andy and my friends and family. I am hoping this blog posting will help anyone who has faced a backlash because they were different, whether that backlash be physical or emotional. I want them to know that it does get better and you can overcome it because I am no different than them. He or she can be what I am.

I am a survivor.

I don’t understand people who dislike them because if you don’t accept them, how do you expect yourself to be treated any different. And as far as hate crimes go, it is COMPLETELY unacceptable to be raped, tortured, beaten, or even killed because of a personal choice that makes them happy. If a straight person was ever treated like that I’m sure matters would be handled differently.

It’s just not fair, people are people no matter what sexual orientation they are and we are ALL created equal. It’s not fair for gay and lesbian couples not being able to get married, I mean straight people do. Come on people open your eyes, we can all make a difference, and fight for equality, I give a damn, why don’t you?